Skins | Effy

Crowds don't make me happy; alone I don't feel right

- nothing will seem easy about me

See How Many Times Courtney Can Use A Variation Of "Fuck" In One Entry
Skins | Effy
I am sick. Major bummer. I thought I was back to the old Courtney, a.k.a. only getting colds like, twice a year. Admittedly, this is the longest I've gone in between colds in forever. Plus, if this one goes the way the last couple went, I should be able to ride it out in a couple of days. I just hate getting the sore throat, which is developing right now. It makes me want to rip my throat out and cry. I get so irritable while it's sore. After that I'm usually fine.

Worked from 10:30-6 today in Yogen. It was pretty shitty, not gonna lie. The rushes weren't bad, and Lisa and I were palling around, but I had to deal with some super fuckin' tooly lady who was freaking out on me because someone else had forgot to ask her for her Scene card and she wanted her 10% discount. I just kept thinking "wtf do you want me to do?" It was like, 60 cents too. I really wanted to tell her to die in a hole. The Yogen machine also exploded on me. A piece of mango got jammed and it started shaking and being it's usual tooly self and then all of the sudden bam. I have shit everywhere. Including all over my body and in my fucking hair. Do you know gross it is to pull chunks of fruit out of your hair? I was like "How the fuck did it get UNDERNEATH my hat?!" Not cool. To top it off, it was basically dead all day, and usually when that happens, they send the opener home when the midday person gets there, or just after. Did Lisa and I get sent home? Noooope. Or at least not until 5:30. I was already starting to feel the sicky effects, so I was sort of grumbly to begin with, and that did not help. There wasn't even anything to do.

Obviously going home and talking to Alina was the perfect remedy to the lack of goodness during the day. I fuckin' can't wait until I get to go there. Oh, and I am also backing out on my "EFF YOU MS. COLLINS" spiel thingy. I'm gonna just do a half-assed film. Since I have to go downtown tomorrow and do the whole passport application thing, I obviously can't go in, which makes it look like I don't care. Haley suggested a white lie and I was game for that. She is going to tell her I have a family emergency, but that I WILL be in on Tuesday to pick up a camera, which is true. She is then going to inquire about my mark, but subtley, and then hopefully I will get a text soon after that states my current percentage in the class. It better be above a fucking pass. If it's not, I am really seriously contemplating going above her head to the admin, even if I am doing the other film. There is no way in hell I should be failing missing only two things. No fuckin' way. It would be low, obviously, but not below 50. It's impossible.

Wednesday is supposed to be the day I get the vast majority of the filming finished, but I forgot that I have my rugby wind-up at 3:30. Fuck. Whatever, I'll make sure that we get started early though. I just want this to be over with. If I trusted that Ms. Collins wouldn't fuck with my grade and alter it to be lower than what I need to pass, I really would just not do it. I have no fucking exams. For me, school should have fuckin' ended on Friday. FUCK MY LIFE.

No More Pencils, No More Books, No More Teacher's Dirty Looks
Skins | Effy
This is it. It's the penultimate day of school. Am I stoked? Indeed. Am I excited that I am going to be a senior? Well of course. Why am I so mundane about it? Because none of it compares to the anticipation I am feeling about my trip. Or what is still a trip in the making, thanks to my mom's constant threats. I know her though. She won't take it away from me. She says the only reason she's even letting me go this year is because of Alina. She says she knows I haven't been able to experience things most kids my age have already been doing for years, and if she can make me happy and give me a taste of normalcy, if only for awhile, then she will.

Tomorrow is a half day, thank fuck. It was supposed to be a full day, but they were too worried about a potential grad prank, so they cut it down. It will basically be all about signing yearbooks. My last class ends at 11:20, then I have to write a trig test for Math (effin' finally) and hopefully that won't take too long. My grandma's taking me for lunch at 1-ish, and I'm hoping that I'll get home early enough to talk to Alina before she leaves for the lock-in and then soccer tournament. For the entire weekend. Major bummer, but she said she'll call me. It's worth the long distance fees. Although, I think her dad will kill her, and I definitely don't want her dead.

I booked tomorrow night off work about a billion years ago, and was really glad to see they actually gave it to me. Courtney's going to party it up for once. I have my four pack of Mike's Hard that I could, in theory, be able to nurse probably for about 6 hours, but I'm assuming it will gone much quicker if we're just chilling at someone's house. I straight up said if there are drugs, I'm not going to be peer-pressured into doing them, but I'm not gonna narc or anything. I'm perfectly content with my coolers and just letting myself get a little loose. Sadly, I work Saturday and Sunday, and it's The Incredible Hulk's opening weekend. Busy? I think so. Not looking forward to closing Outtakes on Saturday at all. Fuck I hate it in there. It's legitimately the only place in the 'plex I can't stand working.

Wow. This time next year, I will be gearing up for university. Scary? Fuck yeah.

Total Bad Girl
Skins | Effy

When I Look At You You're So Far Away
Skins | Effy
School is almost over. Alina is "officially" my girlfriend (because I asked her/I am "no longer listed as single" on Facebook, and everyone knows Facebook makes it official). We have adorable quasi-coupley conversations now talking about things we must do while I'm there. I have been smiling again lately. I get to go to flippin' New York this summer and meet up with the best Puerto Rican on the face of the planet/the funniest person I know. Life doesn't always suck. I like this feeling.

Voice Post
Skins | Effy
1001K 4:58
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I Know I'm Alone If I'm With Or Without You
Skins | Effy
Woke up this morning before my alarm to torrential rain and thunder. I haven't been woken out of a solid sleep in years. That's how loud it was. At first I thought someone was trying to break in. Really freaky. And an overall interesting way to start the morning. Sadly, it interrupted an amazing random yet awesome dream. I guess I'm just glad my window wasn't open like the night before though. That would have been baaaad.

This weekend I was supposed to work Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday but I wound up only working Sunday. So random. Friday I called in sick so I could go to my "team bonding" sleepover for rugby. I was pumped that I'd be there on time but I got umm... "sidetracked" talking to someone online. I didn't get there until about 9:45 (versus 7 o'clock). In my defense, we actually left the house at 9, but we got so fuckin' lost. The girl who was hosting it forgot to add the side street she lived off of in the directions and it was just... bad. After I got there things didn't get much better. Not because I had a shitty time, but because we did this kangaroo court thing. Basically they list "fines" against you and then you have a minute to defend yourself and after the minute's up they decide whether or not to make you drink this nasty concoction. Some of my fines included not bringing popcorn, not bringing free movie passes, being employee of the month one time, having too many tattoos for someone my age and getting an "angry" face when I tackle people. Obviously I was found guilty after I defended myself, and they made me drink this mixture of goat's milk, 7-Up, Sunny D, bar-b-que sauce, apple chunks, season salt, soy sauce and the special ingredient, which was whatever ever you brought with you to share. Mine was salt and vinegar chips. It was so fucking disgusting. I legitimately almost threw up. I kept stopping and they were like "FASTER!" and I was like "I'm sorry, but I have to CHEW!" and everyone would burst out laughing. It was the best when they got soggy. Uggh. I wanna barf even talking about it.

The rest of the night was great though. Kylee and Mia actually did throw up, so I felt better about myself. Kylee was fucking disgusting; she'd take a little sip and spew out a ton of green stuff in its place. We just talked for a bit and sang some songs and then finally caved and played Wii for the rest of the night. I finally got to Wii box! I think gays are naturally good at it, because I never played before and I FUCKING PWNED. Yeah, that's right, with a 'p'. SKQ and I would probably engage in an epic battle if we were ever to verse each other. I think overall I would take her though, namely because I'm in much better shape and it does get tiring. We then popped in some sort of Mario/Sonic Olympic thing and played that for the rest of the night. Jess (our captain) and I bonded on an extreme level. It was nice. We were ruthless when it came to criticising each other though.

When I got home from that it turns out my work had phoned and asked if I wanted to come in and my mom had said no for me, lol. Easiest money I could have made, sadly, because I was in Yogen, but oh well. She (my mom) and I went downtown that night after dinner. We went to the beach-ish area and then eventually down Davie Street, a.k.a. the most gay place you will ever go. It's referred to as Davie Village and it's the gay hotspot of Vancouver. Pretty crazy. I wore my naked ladies t-shirt, lol. Sunday I actually did work and it sucked. It was a million degrees out and behind the concession by the deep friers and poppers was disgusting. I sweat like a beast. And they sent my Outtakes partner, Vlad, home early, so I had to close by myself. It wasn't actually that bad, I pre-closed a lot, and finished 20 minutes early. Unfortunately for me, the managers made me help concession. Boo. Monday, again, supposed to work, but didn't. It was a stat, so I am mildly bummed, but ummm... someone made me feel less bummed. We'll leave it at that. Viviana helped too, because she is mega awesome.

Today... boooooooring. I hate school. Hate hate hate. Just 3 and a half more weeks. I was productive in Film, for once. That was a change. In science we watched Jurassic Park. Just to refresh your memory, I'm in astronomy. Astronomy. Jurassic Park. You figure it out. Math is snore worthy. We're doing trig. I get it. That's nice, but it makes me pay attention less to the lessons so class drags on. PE was the shit though. We went to the driving range, and let me just say that I am officially a BAMF when it comes to golf. I used to be major suckface, but apparently I got the hang of it. Or maybe it's just the lack of my father's presence. Who really knows? Tomorrow I get to cut super early because we have our first provincial rugby game. I'm supposed to be at practice right now, actually, but AIM is feeling much more important. Heh.

I Really Hope I Can Miss The Sunshine Away, Because This Is Gonna Get Ridiculous
Skins | Effy
My internet was dead for a long time. A very long time. It was hella sad. It's weird though, I don't miss it when I have it and I'm not using, but as soon as I legitimately don't have access, I'm like "WHY DO YOU HATE ME JESUS?!?!" Meh.

Yesterday we had our last rugby game of the Fraser Valleys. We won. It was so intense. The score was only 10-7, which meant two tries for us and one tri and one conversion for them. There were practically no breaks at all, we were running all the time in the backs. And, to top it off, I think it was like 23 degrees, which is like, 73-ish to my Fahrenheit savvy friends. It may not seem like much, but for someone living on the West Coast of Canada in May, that's ridiculous. We're still used to rain rain rain rain rain at this time of year. Heat is unheard of until the end of June at least. But yes, rugby. It was a great game. We refused to give up and we got the result we desired. I also have a ridiculous lump/bruise on the side of my head. Don't know how or when it got there, but it's definitely there. That's a fun thing to learn in the shower when you're scrubbing at your head to get all the dirt embedded in your scalp out. Oh! And I'm slowly getting a farmer's tan! Not something to be proud of necessarily, but it means that my skin is capable of changing colour. Sweet.

School = major suckfest. Still. Media Arts I'm wicked behind in, I think I have a 0/76 with all my incomplete projects totaled together. Yikes. Science I am catching up in, I only have 2 or 3 more assignments left to hand in, and they're all fairly easy. It's just a snorefest. I wish it were less boring. Math is okay. I think I bombed my geometry test yesterday, so that's not good, but we're starting trig now and I'm freakishly good at it for some reason. PE is total win, obvs, but if the weather keeps getting warmer and we keep going outside, I'm gonna die. We played capture the flag yesterday in about 26 (79) degree weather and I almost died. Oh! This brings me to another point. Since it was so hot, practically everyone started stripping down and since Ms. Kingman can't really reign us in, the guys had like, their shirts off and some girls were in their sports bras. I was megalaflustered. It was amusing. I was like "Don't stare as she runs, don't stare as she runs... annnnnd I'm staring. Just clap and pretend. Good Courtney." On the school topic as well, I was "invited" to the awards banquet and will be receiving at least one award. Again. Whoopdee friggin' do. I told my mom that I'm not going if I'm in group one again and she says she can probably live with that.

Wow, so I wrote a novel. Props to me. Time to wrap this up. Viviana, if you haven't seen the latest Forest Fone, watch it. "Don't you just love it when jokes fall flat?" Nearly peed, not gonna lie. Oh, and the Anxiety/Sara as Alyssa Milano banter I linked you. Defs watch that. It's worth it. Tegan's face/random not-quite-laugh when she says retainer made me die. Although, as an owner of a retainer, I was mildly offended. All right, DONE!

And If You Go, Should I Stay? And If I Lie, Which Way?
Skins | Effy
My cell phone is vibrating on its own again. Motha fuck. I dropped it in Lake Osoyoos on Friday and I think it might be fucked up more than I thought. It dried out overnight and was fine the next day, but now... it's not so good. I will keep my fingers crossed.

Anway, long time without an update. My life's been less than spectacular, so that's probably why. I've been what I would class as a bad kid lately. It's not good. I've skipped ridiculous amounts of school this year. I used to be the kind of person that was like "I just don't understand why people skip school" and would criticise those that did, but now I do it. Whatever. You know what, I need to care less. It's not fucking with my grades. Well, not yet, but why do I care so much if I miss one day a week? It's not the worst thing I could do. This is what I need to keep telling myself. I've been h-core about the introspection lately, and it turns out I'm totally my own worst critic. I put all the pressure on, I'm super judgemental of myself, I'm the one that puts restrictions on what I do. I just need to chill the fuck out. I'm getting better. Really. I've been a lot more calm as of late and I'm doing a better job at taking myself less seriously. It's good. Perhaps almost healthy, but let's not push the envelope, lol.

I'm starting rugby again tomorrow. Even though our last game is potentially this Thursday, it's better to get some playtime in than none. My shoulder's feeling a lot better. It's doubtful that it will ever be 100% healed and back up to par, but all it does now is click; there isn't any pain when I lift it/other things anymore.

Uhhh... Jesus my life is boring sometimes. I haven't been working that much lately, or it sure seems that way. I did recently see Deception, Harold & Kumar: Escape From Guantanamo Bay and Baby Mama, though. I seriously cracked the hell up during Baby Mama. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are huge idols of mine. Oh my god, have you ever had that thing where you buy new deodorant and smells nice and you love it and then you find out that it barely even fucking works? I'm having that right now. Never again, Adidas Fitness Fresh, never again.

All right, enough's enough. My life is boring. End.

PS. Ms. Kingman has a boyfriend. I always find these things out so randomly and at the most inopportune times. Whatevs. She's still awesome, even if she doesn't play for my team.

Con Demos
Skins | Effy
Ahhh, I managed to get my hands on 12 of the 14 Con Demos. Some chick uploaded them to muxtape or something like that, but it's fucking streaming audio, so I almost died. Then I remembered my best friend Google and downloaded a toolbar that's so easy a monkey could use and it allows you to rip streaming audio. Huzzah!

Umm, so they're amazing. Sara's in particular. Everyone knows I'm like, quasi-in love with Tegan, but Sara is just... wow. The layers of the songs, the experimental beats, the rawness. They just blew me away. For a long time Floorplan was my least favourite song on The Con but I think the Floorplan demo is my favourite. It's just so good. And Back In Your Head has been tired and overplayed to me since around September, but the demo really owns. I was really excited for the Nineteen demo, and it didn't disappoint, especially the bridge. Tegan sings in this really weird ass voice in most of the demos, but the "Love you" and "Love me" backgrounds in the bridge are amazing. They're actual harmonizing, which is something rare from these two. It's hard to explain, but even though they're singers sometimes it seems like they're not necessarily singing... These backgrounds are singing. And her voice like that is just so beautiful. She also sings "You're nineteen" for most of the choruses versus "I was nineteen." It's interesting. My crazy mind was automatically like "ZOMG, SHE TOTALLY HAD A FLING WITH A NINETEEN YEAR OLD! HER EXPLANATION IS ONLY A COVER! IT'S LIKE A LIVING ROOM REDUX!" but I don't think that's actually the case, lol.

The Hop A Plane demo cracks me up for no particular reason. I honestly have no clue as to why it does. She's so typical rocker on that song. Aside from the aforementioned weird voice though. I wonder why she feels the need to sing like that. She has such a naturally gorgeous voice but she does this thing to it that makes what she's singing sound almost forced.

I just wish I had I Was Married and Soil, Soil. Especially the latter. How I heart my Soil, Soil. So yeah. Just thought I'd share. Yay for amazing raw recordings!!

I Get Uncertain Promise I'll Be Perfect From Now On
Skins | Effy
Fuck. I'm in one of those funks again. It's been awhile since I've had one of my manic cycles, but I'm not sure if that's good or if it just means I'm going to get more depressive cycles/I'm overdue for a friggin' insane manic one. *sigh*

So I'm bitchy to almost everyone for no reason, I'm completely unmotivated, I don't want to eat, I don't want to talk to anyone, I just wantntto sleep all day and I just feel sad and angry and distant all the time. It's really not cool. My shoulder pain is not helping this at all. It's frustrating because in order for it to get better I can't play rugby when that's the one thing I feel like doing, but if I keep playing then I'll only fuck it up more. My wrist has made no improvements since early March either. Did I mention they're both the left side? Yay. I also have roadrash all the way up my left thigh onto my ass and practically in my ass crack. It's never been more painful to go to the bathroom.

I didn't go to school again today. A part of me could really care less, but then another part of me is freaking out about what I'm missing. It's like once there's a hole, rather than pulling myself out of it right away, I continue to let it get bigger and bigger until I can't even comprehend getting out of it. I try to be happy, I really do, for everyone else's sake, but sometimes it's just too much. My mom is disappointed in me, I know it, and today she said she was unimpressed with me right now. I want to do well and I am... but it's like it's not good enough. If I didn't skip out so much this year then she wouldn't care about a B or two, but I think that since I have she believes that my absences are the reason I'm getting them. Math has always been a subject I don't comprehend that well, but Media Arts... it's fucking Media Arts! And my own laziness is what fucked me over.

I could say that the reason I don't try and am letting my grades slide is because it's boring to me, which is true, but in reality I'm just rationalizing. Listen to me! "Letting my grades slide." You'd think I was getting C's or D's or failing shit. No. I'm talking about B's. B's that are perfectly fine, B's that still place me above average. Excuse me while I go jump off the nearest highrise.


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