Skins | Effy

Crowds don't make me happy; alone I don't feel right

- nothing will seem easy about me

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I Couldn't Feel You, You're Always So Far Away
Skins | Effy
inevitable012
I sort of feel like I am separating from the real world again. Granted, I enjoy it, I really do, but what happens when I want to go back? When I have to go back? There isn't going to be anything left. So far, I have spent the summer at work and on my computer. I have the best girl in the world to call my own, but she is thousands of miles away. What happens when the 3 weeks is over? How do I go back to reality again? I have totally distanced myself from the people I called my best friends. This time last year, I was on a camping trip with Dillon, Joseph and Kristi. I had real corporeal friends, who, although incredibly self-centered and kind of obnoxious, actually gave half a shit about my life. Sure, I have work friends, but I can count the times I've hung out with them on one hand. I sort of quasi-ventured into what I refer to as the "rebel crowd" (a.k.a. Haley, Katie, Andrew, Jake and a few of their other friends), but again, that was one time. ONE TIME.

I really feel like I have no legitimate friends here. It's like they're all acquaintances. Even Evan only pops into my life once in blue moon. What the hell happened to the Courtney that actually went out with people? When did the recluse take over again? A part of me wants to blame Alina, but I know that's totally fucking ridiculous because she has nothing to do with it. If I wanted to go out and have a life, I'd make time. She does. She is probably the best thing that has happened to me either in a very, very long time or ever, but what we have is so limited. Like, okay, Wednesday is July 9th, which is technically what would be our one month anniversary. I've had a one month anniversary on 3 separate occasions, I know that it's a generally thought of as a quasi-significant event, but what exactly are she and I celebrating? One month of Skype conversations? One month of pining and "wish you were here"'s? One month of more "I miss you"'s than I can count? How do you even miss someone you've never really met? I like her so. fucking. much. Seriously. I can hardly even stand it anymore, she means so much to me, but every time I think about "us" I get sad because our situation just blows. I like to think I'm mature for my age, but this is really testing that hypothesis. How do you work a long distance relationship when you're just a teenager? It's so much... god, the only word I can think of is agony, for a three week payoff, and then it's back home, back to the pile of ashes I call my life. Not to be cheesy or anything, but I burn burn burned my life down a long time ago.

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